Tuesday, March 31, 2009
I was born a compassionate person. I am emotional. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve. At times, this has been a curse in my life. I even hated God for the compassion that I felt for others because I lost several things in my quest to be a savior to those in some sort of need, whether it be a physical or emotional one. I would cry out to God "WHY ME?! WHY DO I HAVE TO CARE SO MUCH WHEN NO ONE ELSE SEEMINGLY DOES??" I was the girl with the weight of the world in her hands.
During my teenage years I rebelled against my compassionate nature and tried very very hard to turn my thoughts to my own self gratification and righteousness. I usually succeeded because I am very strong-willed and God gave me the freedom to choose my own path. As it turns out, it was a very hard and bumpy path with lots of twists, turns, potholes, and even chasms in it. But even when, in our own stubbornness, we choose the wrong path and try to change what God has made us to be, He is there, like a crossing guard. At the crossroads of life, which are very numerous if we stop to count them, He is there pointing us in the right direction. The question is: Do we choose His path or our own? Do we go where we feel He is leading us or do we ignore Him because His way doesn't make sense to us? I regrettably admit that I have taken my own road many times and most often it leads to pain and confusion. But "God is not a God of confusion, but of peace" ~ 1 Corinth. 14:33
The past several years of ministry have been somewhat confusing for me. Of course, lots of good things have come out of it but it's like I've been wandering and searching and trying to figure out my place in the world and in the church (the collective body of Christ). I've served in many ways and capacities but have still felt confusion; never really 'at home' in the role that I was in. Again, God has certainly used me in every area, and for that I am eternally grateful.
But once again I find myself at a crossroads in my life. I'm doing my best to listen to the Crossing Guard and to embrace the gifts that He has given me that will put me on the perfect path that He has laid out for me. This is always easier said then done; the enemy often tries to confuse me, even within the church.
I invite you to embark on this journey with me and to help me to run the race that He has set out for me. I don't know exactly what this looks like, what it will mean, or where it will lead me. I do know that I will try my best to submit to my Father's will and I covet all prayers for strength and endurance on the road ahead.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
I have a lot on my mind these days... enough to want to make my head explode. I figure that if I write about it, which has always been a good outlet for me, then maybe I can make sense of myself and see where God is leading me.
Let me offer this disclaimer: It ain't pretty. What I have to say will most likely offend some of you, so if your feelings are easily hurt or you internalize the opinions of others, you probably shouldn't subscribe. I'm just trying to work some things out for me, and hopefully you, if you want to be worked on or have your ideas challenged.
I'm in constant prayer that God will give me the words, that these things will be His words and not mine. Until then,