Friday, January 22, 2010

I will never be caught up.

Yes folks, it's obvious! I have very good intentions of keeping the blog updated, but the demands of my life as a stay-at-home-mom and the other ridiculous things that distract me (like facebook) always leave me behind in blogging. The problem with this is that I get this back-up (like constipation, if you will) of things in my brain that need to be written out. For me, the best way to wrestle with things in my own head is on paper (either real or virtual). So now I'm trying to get some "fiber" into my system so I can begin to write out some stuff and give you all an update about life at Chez Vogel.

It seems that ever since I got back from Uganda in October, the enemy has been plotting against me. This past trip, in particular, really changed my life, my focus, and my direction. It made me a different person. Some said these feelings would pass, but they haven't and I don't want them to! I want to be more aware of the suffering around the world. I want to keep the images in my head of children who hadn't eaten in eight days. I want to feel differently about the way I spend my money. I want to be intentional in teaching my kids that the needs of others are more important than our own. I don't ever want to go back to being the person that ran out to buy the newest Vera Bradley purse or the latest fashion trend.

Now when I drive by Starbucks or my other favorite coffee place, I can overcome the "need" for my favorite Venti Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte. Instead, I think that I can just wait until I get home and make myself some coffee instead of spending the money that could be spent on a mosquito net that would save a child's life. Yeah, a mosquito net in Uganda only costs $4.50 USD, just like my latte.

I have changed, and I am different. It is obvious that some people don't like the change, or they think it is weird or that I should find some balance. Everyone is entitled to his or her own opinion, but if you don't like the changes in me, well ..... oh well. I'm trying to be less concerned with what you think about me (which has always been a struggle) and focus more about what God thinks about me. It is Him that I desire community with.

Being changed and being different is not easy, especially in a culture where everyone is trying to live in the status quo and keep up with the Joneses. It's been a lonely time for me. I've been fighting depression and anger; praying for wisdom and guidance. But it's not been easy; not at all. I've spent many a day and night trying to distract myself from facing the realities set before me in my brain. I have been unkind to my husband and my children for their lack of understanding. I am far from perfect and I am just trying to figure it all out...... the new person that I am and what the Potter is molding me to be.

If you love me, I ask for patience. I this annoys you, I will not apologize. I've reached a time in my life where I keep thinking of the story in Luke 10: 10But when you enter a town and are not welcomed, go into its streets and say, 11'Even the dust of your town that sticks to our feet we wipe off against you. Yet be sure of this: The kingdom of God is near.'

God has given me a vision and a hope and I'm going to have to fight for it, that is clear. But I will fight because the battle has already been won.


Brad said...

Your love of others, especially the children of the world, is one of the great things about you. I find your post humbling and they remind me that no matter how bad things look to me or how bad they may be someone cares. They also remind me that my problems could be worse. Thank you for being true to God's calling in your life.

Heather said...

Great post, K! As someone who wants to care less about what other people think of me, I can completely appreciate your struggle to do the same. It is hard when you seem to be on a different page than your loved ones, but in God's hands the impossible becomes possible.

I also love that the title of your post has two meanings: as an acceptance of the fact that you just can't do everything, and as a promise to yourself that you won't get caught up in what others think. I need to make that my mantra. :) Thanks for sharing!

Veeno said...

I honestly feel loved by you every moment of every day, and never feel as though you are unkind to me. I see your struggle with the changes God has planted in your heart and I stand by you, proudly, every step of the way.

Anonymous said...

I love and miss you. Unless you have actually gone on a mission trip to a third world country it is difficult to understand the changes that God makes in our innermost being because of what we have seen and touched. The struggle to remain changed is difficult as our struggles are not against flesh and blood but against principalities and powers, however we are victorious in Christ. Continue on this journey that God has called you to and thank you for reminding me of mine.

Cindy Barrett