Depressed

Is the moon full yet? That must be it.....

I am just having one of the worst weeks this week... yes, throw me a pity party. You know those weeks where it seems that nothing is going right and you are under constant attack?

Well, money...being the root of all evil, is one of the culprits. Well not money, but lack thereof. You know, ever since we said out loud that we were going to adopt, Satan has been under full attack on our checkbook. It's been one thing after another! This week it was two extra unavoidable expenses: Jake complained all last week that he couldn't see and couldn't read; I thought (being the mother-of-the-year that I am) that he was exaggerating and didn't want to do his school work. I'll spare you the rest of the story but Lo and Behold, he needs glasses, with a special lens that they have to order, no less. Cha-Ching. Then I had to take Lilly to the dentist and she needed not one, but two fillings. Of course we had not paid her deductible yet, so I had to pay that plus the 20% for both fillings.

"Yes, but the good little Dave Ramsey family has an emergency fund for just these things", you say? UUgh. Did I mention the emergency vet bills, my medical bills from my recent medical fiasco, and numerous others which have sucked our emergency fund dry? We're under attack I tell you! So this week (of course) I also make a checking account blunder.... forgot to add something in that was being automatically deducted.... wham!

The reason I'm depressed is that I've been praying all week for a miracle.... we have a couple of things coming up before John gets paid again. One of them is the kids' belt test for Tae Kwon Do. They've been practicing and working very hard on getting their classes in. Well last night I got a card that said that I need to pay by Wednesday (tonight). Well, I now have $20 in my checking account to last until the 15th; and what about food? Yes, I know God always provides. But I've been so excited to see the mailman this week, running out to get the mail as soon as he drives by... because I just KNOW there's going to be a miracle check in there from somewhere. Maybe one from all those stupid surverys I fill out. But today is the day. I need to pay the TKD place, or no belt test. I cried for two hours last night because I don't want to disappoint my children; they've worked so hard. *sigh* John is less emotional and says "Oh well, there's nothing we can do". But a mother's heart is broken by such things. I guess if I had more faith I'd be excited today.... knowing that today is the day that God will come through! But I just feel teary-eyed and miserable. I feel like we can't even pay for karate, much less come up with 20 grand to rescue an orphan. Where is the moon in the sky??

Okay, the next thing I'm depressed about is the whole idoubt thing. We were so excited when we kicked it off.... that people would have a safe place to post real questions and doubts. But it seems that a lot of the questions are loaded ones; from people who already know the answers, who just want to spark a debate about them.... not the safe place for people with REAL questions that we had envisioned. It has turned into a place of pecking and arguing; with myself being guilty as well. *sigh* Some folks whom I thought were friends of ours have used it for their own agenda it seems. I guess that's what happens when you're operating in cyberspace...... anybody can say anything.

I guess the thing that really bothers me is that Jesus has given me this mission..... to reach others through genuine relationships. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that this is His mission for my life. Jesus is my best friend, I commune with Him daily, study His word, and He would not lead me in the wrong direction. He has given me certain convictions of the heart. I am very serious about my 'mission statement'; it is what I live for! I guess that my so called *friends* who have put the kabash on our website, don't agree with my convictions. I feel like they're publicly stating that everything I stand for.... that Jesus has me stand for.... is wrong. I feel like my own personal mission statement is under attack; and I take it very personally. It feels kind of crappy when people accuse you of being a false Christian; when you know that you and Jesus have something special. I mean, who are they to judge me??? As if they were the only righteous Christians around and everyone else's efforts were fruitless and unedifying to the Lord?! It's like a slap in the face. Especially for me, who is so passionate about my calling in life. *sigh*

I have made some wonderful friends in my life, in the name of Jesus. They have added to my life, to my knowledge of God's character, and to reinforce what He would have me do. I just don't like all the assault on my own character. I'm serious about following Jesus and His plan for my life.

So like I said, I feel like Satan is attacking me. I guess I should be proud that he considers me worthy of attacking. I must be a threat to Satan or he would leave me alone. But today, I just feel crappy.

Sorry for rambling and making you all come to my pity party. I guess I do feel better now, having gotten all that out.

~K